navigating family dynamics: tips for a mentally healthy holiday season
The air is turning crisp and the seasonal shelves are stocked. While some marvel at the changing colors of the landscape and look forward with excitement for what is to come, others are clenching their jaws and bracing for impact. Whether this time of year makes you jolly or jaded, navigating the elements family can bring to the mix is something we could all use some direction on. Below are five questions that often come up for those with the seasonal scaries, and a therapist’s take on how to weather it all.
1.) How do I deal with family gatherings when I feel anxious or uncomfortable?
Anxiety about family gatherings is common. This can manifest as racing thoughts and worry, or visceral reactions such as sweating and decreased appetite. For some, its all the above. Your first priority is to engage your parasympathetic nervous system. This is the “rest and digest” branch of your autonomic nervous system and it works in direct opposition to your anxiety (governed by your sympathetic nervous system). Ever heard of taking a deep breath? Yes, I know. We all roll our eyes at the sentiment but there’s a reason taking a deep breath is an age-old piece of advice. Your breath is not only the one internal resource you always have access to, but breathing deeply stimulates the vagus nerve which directly signals to your brain you are safe. A few diaphragmatic breaths can alleviate symptoms of anxiety and is a great way to prepare for a family gathering.
Another strategy for coping with anxiety around family is to enlist the help of an emotional support object. This could be a fidget toy or worry stone you keep in your pocket, or even a bottled beverage to keep in hand at all times. Using tactile items like this can help ground you and provide a layer of healthy distraction. Or, if the home you’re visiting has pets, plan to interact with them as a way to mitigate any social anxiety.
Finally, it can help to get clear on expectations. What are your expectations of yourself for how long you will stay? What are the host’s expectations and what activities are on the agenda? It is okay to ask questions and it is also okay to set specific times for your arrival and departure. Knowing ahead of time that you only have to spend 2 hours somewhere is more helpful to the anxious mind than not knowing how long something unpleasant is going to last.
2.) What are some strategies for handling interactions with a family member who has a different worldview than me?
There’s no denying that today’s sociopolitical climate is tugging at family ties and, in some cases, disrupting these core relationships altogether. There are several phrases and approaches you can adopt for hopefully a more effective discussion when sensitive topics arise:
Lead with curiosity - This one is my personal favorite. Ask open-ended questions, moderate your body language, and keep a neutral tone. If someone says something out of pocket or offensive, respond with, “What do you mean by____?” or “Help me understand what you mean when you say___.” Staying curious is a safeguard against becoming emotionally reactive, and it invites the person to be accountable for the statements they are making.
Draw the line - Know ahead of time where your boundary is in the context of these discussions. What key words or phrases strike your fight or flight response? This is the point at which you can draw the line and tactfully end the conversation. You could say, “I feel as though I’ve reached my limit with this topic, I’d love to hear more about (insert new topic).”
3.) How do I handle a family member who is attention-seeking or always plays the victim?
First it may be important to understand why someone may be behaving this way. It often stems from deep insecurities, unresolved relational wounds, or a lack of self awareness. Remembering this can help you emotionally detach from their behavior so as not to become reactive to it. Remind yourself that you have a choice in how to respond to their behavior— to engage or disengage. Engaging looks like allowing yourself to become annoyed or otherwise activated by their behavior, and this only brings down your mental and emotional state. It generally has little affect on them, and if it does its like throwing fuel to the fire. Your negative reaction to them only reinforces their beliefs about themselves and intensifies their need to seek attention or play the victim. Disengaging looks like giving little to no feedback, which includes non-verbal feedback. Your body language and facial expressions should remain as neutral as possible.
Depending on your relationship with this person, it may be appropriate to compassionately confront them on their behavior in a private setting. You could use language like, “I’ve noticed this behavior and because I care about you I wanted to bring it to your attention.” If they are receptive, you could offer to help them find a behavioral health professional to talk with to address this issue.
4.) How do I respond to family members commenting on my body or food choices?
Many weight-centric messages about health stem from family attitudes and beliefs, and they certainly make their way into the room when family is gathered. Moreover, health-conscious conversations tend to ramp up during the holiday season as people anticipate the new year. One thing to consider and anchor yourself with is this: Someone’s perception of your body and your food choices is, first and foremost, a projection of their own skewed self evaluation.
As with all other unsolicited feedback and advice, you have the agency to not accept comments like this. You may choose to quietly disengage or assert a boundary by saying something like, “I’m not interested in your feedback on what I choose to eat” or “I feel uncomfortable with commentary on my body and would appreciate if you wouldn’t share your opinions with me.”
5.) I’ve workshopped various issues I have with my family in ways similar to the above with little success. Am I a bad person if I choose to opt-out of family gatherings this year?
We get it. You’ve tried it all and the boundaries you’ve set forth get ignored. You’ve had the hard conversations and they didn’t end well. Often the reason it feels like you’re blazing a new trail in your relationships is because you are. People who have shown up in their relationships a certain way for so long often do not respond graciously when they are challenged to show up differently. At least maybe not the first time. Change takes time, and sometimes it takes longer than we have the capacity to stick around for. And that is okay. Perhaps recognizing and honoring your need to pull back is your new boundary. So no, you are not a bad person for opting out. What’s important is to communicate what you need/expect to be ready to opt-in in the future.
